For Anatoly, Morning After Mardi Gras

[capable_of]

Lex was hungover. Really, really hung over. While he'd been drinking a lot the past few days, it had been nothing compared to last night. Granted, the quality and proof of the alcohol he'd been drinking last night would make everything else look like piss so there was that too.

But while he'd expected to be hungover this morning, what he hadn't expected was where he had woken up. He'd never been in Clark's hut so he hadn't known where he was until he'd gotten up and seen Clark passed out nearby. He woke up his friend and made sure he got some water in him before heading out. While he appreciated Clark's kindness in wanting to give him a place to sleep off his hangover, he knew this wouldn't look good from the point of view of someone who mattered more to Lex then anything, no matter what had happened here or in Moscow.

As he approached the hut, Lex thought that perhaps he should go get some water or food to make him feel better before the enviable confrontation but he knew it would be cowardly to back out now.

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[capable-of.livejournal.com]

It was with a heavy heart that Lex followed Anatoly into the hut as he really wasn't looking forward to this conversation. He'd spent a week and half avoiding the subject, not to much success if he was honest with himself, and he was afraid of Anatoly's reaction when he finally admitted exactly why he was upset.

And while Lex didn't want to, as he crossed the threshold of the hut, he knew he was going to tell him about his jealousy. He just hoped he'd be allowed to stay the night.

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly ran a hand through his hair anxiously and sat in one of the chairs. How he was going to start this painful conversation, he didn't know, but it had to be done. They had put this off too long and it was the only way to bring things back to the way they had been before.

"I... it has been difficult," he said finally. "I know it has been for you."

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

"Talk to me." Lex made the request before he really fully thought of the consequences. He sat down and was tempted to reach out for one of Anatoly's hands but resisted by crossing his arms over his chest. He didn't want to talk about how it was difficult for him, he'd rather conversation stayed with Anatoly. "Why did you run?" And kept running, was the real question.

[chesspolitik]

"It was too much," Anatoly answered slowly, his eyes firmly fixed on the floor. "It was all - I have missed my children for so long and to see them and hold them... for a while, I had you and them. I could pretend that everything was all right."

He swallowed hard and bit his lip a moment before continuing. "Then I woke up and knew it had been a dream and they were lost to me."

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

Pretending was right since Anatoly would have been seriously fooling himself if he thought that he could have had both his children and Lex in that world for any length of time. And from Lex's point of view, it hadn't felt like he'd had Anatoly at all.

But he pushed that aside since it was petty, just like his jealously. Though he did finally give into his urge and reached across the table to take one of Anatoly's hands. "So instead of telling me this and letting me help....you left?"

[chesspolitik]

He clung to Lex's hand as if it were a lifeline, taking comfort from his firm, reassuring grip. "It was too much to feel or even say. I thought that if I went somewhere for a little bit, then I could find the words to tell you."

The words hadn't come and it had felt easier to keep it inside and not talk about his sorrow. It couldn't bring his children back to him and it would make Lex feel worse, so he had thought.

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

"It's been more then week, Anatoly." Lex said in a rough voice as he kept his eyes on their clasped hands. "You couldn't find something to say in a week?" In reality, Lex knew he should have faced this sooner, cornered Anatoly and made him talk. But he'd been too wrapped up in his own jealously to see that.

Then he took a deep breath and sighed. "I know...I know that was tough for you. You've missed your children so much and I didn't want to get in the way of your time with them. But here...you know that you're not alone here." It wasn't an accusation...just a reminder.

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly winced and looked down. Lex was right to be annoyed with him and if truth be told, he was annoyed at himself for not speaking out. He had taken the coward's way out and he had to stop doing that. Lex deserved much better than this.

"I know," Anatoly said softly. "I am sorry. I am trying to do better, I truly am. Can you forgive me?"

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

At Anatoly's apology, Lex looked like he'd been punched in the gut. "Of course. There is nothing to forgive." This was killing him. He knew why Anatoly was apologizing but he couldn't in good conscience accept it. "I'm happy you got to see them." And he was. Mostly.

[chesspolitik]

"As hard as it has been, I am glad you got to meet them," Anatoly offered after a moment, meaning the sentiment from the bottom of his heart. "Ilona seemed very taken with you. It was very sweet to see."

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

Now Lex couldn't hide the anguish thoughts of that little girl caused him and while he turned his head away, he knew it hadn't been in time. The jealously curled in his stomach and he was very glad he hadn't eaten anything yet that morning.

It was only his Luthor conditioning that allowed him to speak and not take his hand away. "She's just as charming and beautiful as her father."

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly caught the expression on Lex's face and faltered, not understanding the reason. Lex had seemed so happy reading to her... had he only imagined that in his desire for a perfect moment?

"What is it? What's wrong?"

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

That was the problem. Lex had been happier then he'd ever been in that moment. And to know he'll never have anything like that in his own life...was it any wonder he was jealous?

Lex swallowed and looked at Anatoly, his eyes oddly open and conflicted for a moment before he got himself back under control. "I loved the opportunity to read to her. It was an honor that I'll never forget." Maybe if he conveyed that enough, Anatoly would leave it at that.

[chesspolitik]

Perhaps he should have taken that explanation at face value and left it at that, but Anatoly was confused. It was obvious that he was keeping something back but what?

"Lex? Please tell me what you are thinking." He squeezed Lex's hand tightly, hoping it would encourage him to say what was truly on his mind.

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

As Anatoly squeezed his hand, Lex squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to tell him. He didn't want Anatoly to know what he'd been thinking while they'd been with his family. He didn't want the Russian's pity or disdain. And mostly, he didn't want to share the pain he'd been drowning all week.

"Ilona was beautiful. Your whole family was beautiful." Lex finally said in a breathless whisper. "I was jealous."

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly stared at Lex for a few moments as he tried to absorb the gravity of this. He knew that Lex's family life had hardly been warm and loving but he didn't think his own was much better. He loved his children and he had tried to be a good husband but that paled against the fact that he was hardly ever there. On the rare occasion that he was home, he was more absorbed in chess than anything else. Lionel was a disgrace of a parent, yes, but neither was he.

"Lex," he breathed, not sure what to say but needing to say something.

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

Finally, Lex pulled his hand away. He wanted to stand up, to run, but he knew that would just be hypocritical after their earlier conversation. He might as well get it over with and see if Anatoly asked him to leave.

"When Clark arrived, he told me I was dead back home. And he's only from 8 years in the future. I married Lana, once again a complete failure. I will never...I will never have a wife who loves me, much less one who would give me beautiful children like yours. And seeing your family...it made me realize how much I wanted one. The though of never even having the chance...the jealousy was too much."

[chesspolitik]

For a moment, Anatoly was silent as he took in Lex's words. He didn't want to believe that Lex could have such a dark future. He deserved better. He deserved much better and for a moment, he was angry with Clark for telling Lex what was to become of him.

He slid out of his chair and went down on his knees in front of Lex, wrapping his arms around his waist. He leaned his head against his chest, trying to find the right words. He understood Lex's pain a little better now, and he wished for nothing more than the power to set things right for him, to change his future and give him the family he so desperately wanted.

But all he could give him was the life they had here and while it was as close to heaven as such things could be, he didn't have his children here and he couldn't give Lex children of his own.

[capable-of.livejournal.com]

When Anatoly got down on his knees and hugged Lex like he was something precious, Lex did something Lionel would no doubt disown him for.

It was soft, but he let out a small sob. Of held in pain and overwhelming relief.

If there were tears to accompany it, they were hidden as Lex wrapped his arms around Anatoly's shoulders and buried his face in those beloved curls. Perhaps a family of his own was out of his reach, but the thought was almost easier to bare when he had the love and devotion of this one man. Who he clung to like his life depended on it.